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  (Excerpt from Chapter 6)

CLOTHING


WHAT TO WEAR

One of the most fun aspects of being a new mother is getting baby clothes for you child. The little outfits are all sooooo cute. They look like adult outfits but they're teeeny. Who can stand it? Well, men for one. No matter how involved a father is in childcare, the chances of him getting excited about an outfit are quite slim. When it comes to baby clothing his main concern, like the authors, is going to be those kid non-flammable pajamas. Why don't we have non-flammable pajamas? More importantly, why don't firemen have non-flammable pajamas? They could save minutes rushing to a fire in the middle of the night if they could stay in their PJs. While we're pondering this here are some words about clothing that Mom might find useful.

BABYWORDS

Diba Clothing (Yes, this babyword also means "bib," but that is because babies assume all clothing is just to keep them from getting wet and sticky.)

Kwilt Shirt

Linus Blanket

Trow Pants

Pooptrow Dungarees

Hafftrow Shorts

Almatch Khaki. (Not to be confused with the babyword khaki, which means phlegm caught in my throat.)

Clydes Knickerbockers

Pzzp Corduroy

Fulmonti Without clothing; Naked (the preferred wardrobe of most babies)

Boyng Rubber pants

Zoing Those elastic snaps that keep your gloves attached to your jacket

Slomb Footy pajamas

Pllf Footy pajamas (Said when your child has one of the feet in his mouth)

Krispys Snaps

Fab Cotton

Ooz Satin (Not many parents will buy kids satin clothing, but be certain your kid does want it.)

Sis Lace

Eetch Wool

Eezee Velcro

Wred Buttons

Eezeewred Snaps

Al eetchee Sweater

Fredmac Cardigan

Splishy Bathing suit

Brk-n-stock Sandals

Flirbs Shoes

Flirb flirb flirb flirb Shoes (Often said by baby girls, who get much more excited about shoes than boys do.)

Eezeeflirb Shoes with Velcro

Ba na na Slippers

Flumps Mittens

Pllf Mittens (When your child has a mitten in her mouth. Or possibly footy PJs.)

Huh Ear muffs

O va Jacket

Tent Parka

Mish lin Down-stuffed winter coat that makes baby look like she is surrounded by tires


BABYPHRASES

Wu zee Onesie

Tu zee Twosie

Ah wu zee, ah tu zee, an a three zee
(Not a babyword. You may have given birth to the reincarnation of Lawrence Welk)

No zee Hey, this thing is stuck over my head! I can't see.

(Muffled) huuuj Too big

(High pitched) weeenie Too Small

Woof Way too tight
(or any other dog sound (Your dog will be barking because the sound will be so high only a dog could hear)

Unh-unh, pnk I'm not wearing that, it's a girl's outfit! (Said by boys)

Shy nee. Muck. This is a nice new outfit. I'm off to find dirt.

Ohnodibapeesa Please don't make me wear cloths

Fulmontipeesa Can I run around with no cloths on?


SMALL TALK

Adult: Florbi nops slipsa Hold still while I try to button this

Baby: Momma Diba upatu du fulmonti enu? Mom, cloths are overrated. Can't I just go naked?

Adult: Snopsa slipsa Dadda You sound like your father.

Baby: Dadda zeeka? Daddy's really smart!
Eh Momma? Right Mommy?

Adult: Hmmmmmmm. We'll talk about that later.

SIZES

If baby talk is used as a written language anywhere, it is most certainly among the cabal of clothing manufacturers who have cryptically sized baby clothing so that it is impossible to know the right size for a child. We are pleased to be able to decipher this for you here.

SIZE FITS

1 month A 1-month-old if born 2 months premature

2 month A 3-month-old in summer clothing
An 8-month-old in winter clothing

3 month 81 days after birth for three hours if it's a Wednesday

4 month Use as a quilt for a 3-month-old, no use for a 4-month-old

5 month 5-month-old children on other planets

6 month Perfect for 6-month-old (The manufacturers are working to correct this)

7-10 months 7-10 month babies of NBA centers

11 months Not made, try 4-month size

1 T Make good birthday presents for other kids
Will not fit your own

2 T Shirts in this size fit 1-year-olds, pants in this size fit 3-year-olds (Or is it the other way around?)

3T Fits all parents