|(Excerpt from Chapter 6)
WHAT TO WEAR
One of the most fun aspects of being a new mother is getting baby
clothes for you child. The little outfits are all sooooo cute. They
look like adult outfits but they're teeeny. Who can stand it? Well,
men for one. No matter how involved a father is in childcare, the
chances of him getting excited about an outfit are quite slim. When
it comes to baby clothing his main concern, like the authors, is
going to be those kid non-flammable pajamas. Why don't we have non-flammable
pajamas? More importantly, why don't firemen have non-flammable
pajamas? They could save minutes rushing to a fire in the middle
of the night if they could stay in their PJs. While we're pondering
this here are some words about clothing that Mom might find useful.
Diba Clothing (Yes, this babyword also means "bib,"
but that is because babies assume all clothing is just to keep them
from getting wet and sticky.)
Almatch Khaki. (Not to be confused with the babyword khaki,
which means phlegm caught in my throat.)
Fulmonti Without clothing; Naked (the preferred wardrobe
of most babies)
Boyng Rubber pants
Zoing Those elastic snaps that keep your gloves attached
to your jacket
Slomb Footy pajamas
Pllf Footy pajamas (Said when your child has one of the
feet in his mouth)
Ooz Satin (Not many parents will buy kids satin clothing,
but be certain your kid does want it.)
Al eetchee Sweater
Splishy Bathing suit
Flirb flirb flirb flirb Shoes (Often said by baby girls,
who get much more excited about shoes than boys do.)
Eezeeflirb Shoes with Velcro
Ba na na Slippers
Pllf Mittens (When your child has a mitten in her mouth.
Or possibly footy PJs.)
Huh Ear muffs
O va Jacket
Mish lin Down-stuffed winter coat that makes baby look like
she is surrounded by tires
Wu zee Onesie
Tu zee Twosie
Ah wu zee, ah tu zee, an a three zee
(Not a babyword. You may have given birth to the reincarnation of
No zee Hey, this thing is stuck over my head! I can't see.
(Muffled) huuuj Too big
(High pitched) weeenie Too Small
Woof Way too tight
(or any other dog sound (Your dog will be barking because the sound
will be so high only a dog could hear)
Unh-unh, pnk I'm not wearing that, it's a girl's outfit!
(Said by boys)
Shy nee. Muck. This is a nice new outfit. I'm off to find
Ohnodibapeesa Please don't make me wear cloths
Fulmontipeesa Can I run around with no cloths on?
Adult: Florbi nops slipsa Hold still while I try to button
Baby: Momma Diba upatu du fulmonti enu? Mom, cloths are
overrated. Can't I just go naked?
Adult: Snopsa slipsa Dadda You sound like your father.
Baby: Dadda zeeka? Daddy's really smart!
Eh Momma? Right Mommy?
Adult: Hmmmmmmm. We'll talk about that later.
If baby talk is used as a written language anywhere, it is most
certainly among the cabal of clothing manufacturers who have cryptically
sized baby clothing so that it is impossible to know the right size
for a child. We are pleased to be able to decipher this for you
1 month A 1-month-old if born 2 months premature
2 month A 3-month-old in summer clothing
An 8-month-old in winter clothing
3 month 81 days after birth for three hours if it's a Wednesday
4 month Use as a quilt for a 3-month-old, no use for a 4-month-old
5 month 5-month-old children on other planets
6 month Perfect for 6-month-old (The manufacturers are working
to correct this)
7-10 months 7-10 month babies of NBA centers
11 months Not made, try 4-month size
1 T Make good birthday presents for other kids
Will not fit your own
2 T Shirts in this size fit 1-year-olds, pants in this size fit
3-year-olds (Or is it the other way around?)
3T Fits all parents